Minimum Viable Friendship

How are we splitting brunch?

Thanks to social media, an increasingly faster communicating world, and the rise of personal networking lifehacks, the landscape of friends, acquaintances and other folks in your life that expect something from you has likely grown.

In fact just by aging there are more people every day who we know all about their coffee addiction, pets, or favorite youtuber but not if they would lend us snack money.

As we all try to navigate the strange world of social media, workplace acquaintances and friends who fade in and out of your replies we all need to take a step back and decide “What does my relationship with this person actually mean?”

More than a few times I have found myself in the awkward situation mid text or slack message wondering if “should I be inviting this person to X event”.

There were too many hosted dinner parties with last minute cancelations, and all the times arriving at an evening gathering with a homemade dish and a carefully selected wine, to find a 30 pack and chips as the only furnished refreshments. In the end I decided I had to do a better job understanding who meant what to me.

As with so many things in my life I had to create a categorization criteria to help sort the people I interact with and determine how I should act.

It came down to answering a few questions about what the person meant to me so I could figure out the cases where people could be depended on and at what level they can be depended on.

If you can’t answer yes to all of these questions, that person isn’t a friend. They are just someone who you know.

So take a step back and look at yourself in the mirror and say it with me.
“They are not my friend.”

Now for many people this is pretty obvious. But as the worlds of work, social networking, and actual reality collide sometimes it’s an important measuring stick. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to be your friend, or even that they are exploiting you. You two just aren’t there yet.

Technology makes it so easy to be connected but friendship isn’t having a connection, it’s the meaning of the connection and what we do with those connections.

Just because someone calls themselves a friend, doesn’t mean they are one. And until we step back and think about it, maybe that’s for the better.

Ok so we defined the floor now we need to talk about what is above it. From here the kinds of ways friendship can be expressed branches into specific ways:

Note they aren’t mutually exclusive and they aren’t ranked in importance. But rather are ways of helping identify ways friendship means an exchange in some form.

For example, you likely have a friend whom you share secrets and treasure their advice. They are the ones who are first to know when you think your beau is cheating, and they never told anyone it was you who blocked up the toilet on that 13 hour flight to Dubai. And you rely on them to have discretion.

Time is pretty self explanatory, these are those you ask to join you at events or if you need to talk. People whom you may ask to do something on your behalf give their time to you but also effort.

Money/Material goods. This one is tricky but it’s safe to say these are people who trust you with material goods or money and you in turn trust them with money. People you would leave alone in your home. Or holding your purse. Or who you spot lunch, or who put the tickets on their credit card confident you will get them back.

Risk, this one is trust but in a specific way. Would they put themselves on the line for you? Would they also call out the pervert grabbing butts? Are they the friend who is ride or die? Would they put their name on the line for you and put themselves in the firing line?

Some things are a combination, the person you can count on to bury a body likely has both risk and discretion. But maybe hardcore Jim isn’t the type you leave alone near your fine silver.

The key questions to ask about your friendships is how do these friends show they care, if they care at all?

Is our relationship transactional? If so am I losing or winning?

Did I ask discretion of someone whom gives their time but doesn’t keep secrets? Is that why Sam spilled the beans of the phantom toilet terrorist of Dubai?

Sometimes we don’t know where we stand but by thinking about it we can decide if we want a friend to grow in a direction.

So next time instead of a naked Facebook invite to everyone. Maybe we ask who am I going to take a risk on to see how this goes?

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